What the @#$% !

(before you read this understand I'm going to be as honest as possible....if you don't like honesty, real emotion, and all that implies, or if you would rather live in an imaginary world of Happy Christendom, then do not proceed. Also you probably shouldn't let young children read it.....)

Do you really want to know?



Here it is....



I'm going to blow the top off the inner workings of a REAL Christian.

You know me. I've been a Christian forever. I've had my struggles and doubts, triumphs and faith. Some people even look up to me. They either think "Hey...she really LOVES the Lord and has it all together." or they might think "Wow, she has such a genuine relationship with God."

Here's the real me.....

Sunday was AWESOME. We visited our friends church, North Gate, near Atlanta. The people were nice, the service was awesome, the message was "in-your-face-motivational" and the worship was incredible. I even got healed of a sore throat and ear ache during worship. But you know what I'm thinking? Do you really want to know?

"Oh God, if I only could sing like the worship leader. If I could only have her voice and her confidence. Then I could really do some amazing things for you. Oh God, if only I could play the keyboard like that guy, he's amazing. I could really usher in your presence if I was like that. I'm just not good enough."

So I spent most of worship repenting.

After church the kids start telling us what happened in their class. First of all, Charis has made instant friends with a little girl there, who is one month younger than she is. We found out later when we met her parents that they home school and we had lunch with them. We have a lot in common and hope to spend more time with them while we're here.

So in their class they had the kids do ministry and Eythan, while praying, feels a breeze and then falls to the ground and starts speaking in tongues. Charis also feel a manifestation of the Holy Spirit in her arms and falls down "a little" I'm not sure how that works...falling down a little? Anyway! We're super excited, we've always wanted for our kids to be involved in minstry this way. Also we're going to get to be involved in their outreach ministries while we're here, and we were going to go to a prophetic discovery night (that's what they call it) where you can just be prophesied over. We've met some new friends and Jon has the day off on Monday. Awesome stuff.

So on the way to get groceries.......

The truck breaks down again.

WTF God!?!?!?

YOU are supposed to protect us! YOU said your plans were for good! You are supposed to give me rest!

REST?!? I'm tired....tired of trying to find you in the little things. Tired of being hopeful. Tired of having faith. I live in a freakin' TRAVEL TRAILER! Your WILL sucks!

In the words of King David.....Did you bring us here to kill us?

Because it sure feels that way. I feel beaten and abandoned. I feel insignificant and loathed.

Again King David Said it best:


Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

Yeah that about sums it up!.....oh wait.....there's more.


5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.


God's spirit is water to my soul, his word, the bread of life. When my feelings tell me different, his Word is Truth.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


No fear, no worry

Matthew 6

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


And when I can no longer stand on my own, my church....that is my family (and my family family) are there to see me through.

Jesus help me.

Jon's getting the truck diagnosed right now. Just pray it's easy and that he will be able to go to work tomorrow. Pray for protection over our stuff and our family. We really feel this an attack of the enemy to keep us from participating in Kingdom stuff. Pray for my spiritual schizophrenia and I'll pray for yours! (hey...if it was good enough for David!)

Blessings,

Emily